Please watch this advertisement:
Thank you. Now, when I first saw this ad, I found myself asking aloud, "What the fuck is Champix?" Granted, I asked this question 4 hours after seeing the ad, while I was in line at the grocery store, just as my dragon fruit was being scanned. How embarassing! I was simply trying to impress all my fellow shoppers with my exotic fruit purchase. You see, I live in the yuppie enclave of Roncesvalles Village, where well-groomed dogs sit tied outside of stark, modern furniture stores and Polish solicitors wave sausage links as you pass.
As is often the case with advertisements for non-essential prescription pharmaceuticals, there is not even a subtle clue given as to what exactly Champix is. I certainly could have gone ahead and done a simple search of the internets, using some type of "search engine" or "protocol droid," but instead, based on my vast knowledge of advertising and prescriptions, I have come to 3 distinct, inconclusive possibilities as to what Champix could be.
1. Performance-enhancing drug (sports-related)
Based on the constant high-fiving, hugging, and back slapping (some of it even, gasp, interracial) as well as the usage of the song from Rocky, Champix may be some type of drug that allows 40-something men to live out their sports-related pipe dreams. With Champix you can win MVP of your recreational hockey league and finally win the respect of your daughter, culminated with a dramatic, slow-motion hug.
2. Performance-enhancing drug (sex-related)
Based on the constant high-fiving, hugging, and back slapping (some of it even, gasp, interracial) as well as the usage of the triumphant theme from Rocky, Champix may be some type of drug that allows 40-something men to hold an erection for long enough to have intercourse. Just think of all the congratulations you'll get for finally being able to have nearly two minutes of intercourse: your hockey buds will know you're a real "dog," your black friend will finally explain to you what "Jungle Fever" is, your mother will creepily rub your hand due to excitement at the possibility that her son is not a gay after all, and you will finally win the respect of your daughter, who will be so proud that you can actually nail her mom for nearly two minutes that she will dramatically hug you in slow motion.
3. Anti-depressant
Based on the subdued hues, the soothing background music (I can only assume the song is by Enya,) and the insistence on having everything happen in slow motion, Champix may be some type of drug that allows 40-something men who are overall failures to delude themselves into believing that they do not work a pitiful, unrewarding job, are not the worst player on the State Farm Insurers, are not in a loveless marriage, did not hire a black male escort to pose as a friend at the bar, are not into elderlove, and have a daughter that is a very fast runner. By living a constant lie in order to feign happiness, you will win the respect of your daughter, culminated with a dramatic, slow-motion hug set to some type of new age music.
Or maybe it's for some drug to help you quit smoking. Whatever.
