Life is short, have an affair, do drugs, kill someone, punch your Mother-in-law, ring someone's doorbell and then run away, eat pork, do yoga

I seem to recall seeing an advertisement a few years ago on television in which a man and a woman dressed in business attire emerge from a bathroom stall, slightly disheveled after having a "casual encounter." I hope the stall didn't smell like someone else's shit, that might ruin the mood. The advertisement was for Ashley Madison, a company that was formed in Toronto in 2001 that specializes in connecting married people to have affairs. I was not so much shocked that such a business existed as I was shocked that a television network would air an Ashley Madison ad in the middle of the afternoon. It seemed to be in bad taste.

Ashley Madison had a commercial aired during the Super Bowl this past Sunday. Arguably one of the most-watched programs on television (97.4 million US viewers and 3.6 million Canadian viewers watched on Sunday), the Super Bowl is not simply watched by that King of Queens guy look-alikes, it is watched by people of both sexes and a variety of ages. That being said, families could be sitting in front of their wall-mounted plasma screen televisions (paid for on a Best Buy credit card... if you have not signed up for your Best Buy credit card yet, you have no idea what you're missing... Best Buy serves all your electronic and home entertainment needs... the Best Buy credit card offers 0% interest for 12 months on your first purchase, so you cannot lose! Just don't read the fine print about the hidden Debt Cancellation program...) and suddenly the Ashley Madison commercial comes on. A lovely message for the kids.

The commercial ended up airing only in Texas after the majority of NBC affiliates across the country pulled the plug on it. In Canada, CTV rejected the ad from the start. CTV stated that they did not want an ad that "promotes adultery" to run alongside the "quality brands" that have purchased advertising time. Ashley Madison president Noel Biderman believes the network is hypocritical, as it airs ads for alcohol products, which he claims to be more harmful than adultery. That being said, give the ad a quick viewing and decide for yourself:



The argument purported is that adultery is okay in this case because her husband is an ass. How about this: get a fucking divorce. Or at least a separation. Or don't marry a fuckhead in the first place. Biderman claims that "If [physical intimacy] is missing in your relationship, I don’t care who you are, President of the United States or the Prince of England, you’re going to step outside your relationship." Yes. That's lovely. Ashley Madison really is more of a charity. They certainly do not let people who are treated well by their spouse and simply want an affair to pay them for their services. I hope that the $249 it costs to use the website is tax-deductible. Perhaps Ashley Madison will launch a campaign in Africa since it is such a noble charity. Maybe Bono could write a jingle for them.

Ashley Madison: ruining families since 2001.

OBAMA!!!

Obama said he is a uniter not a divider. Yes, he certainly has acted to unite the Democrats--some of his fiercest opponents within the party have been appointed to significant posts in his government (Hilary Clinton, anyone?). His rhetoric of hope aims to unite the country as a whole. However, other actions he has taken since his Inauguration last week have been divisive. 

A prominent example that just popped up is his reversal of George W. Bush's ban on international aid to charities that either perform or provide information on abortions. As the bipartisan bickering began in regards to his executive decision on the reversal, Obama had this to say to Republican leaders: "I won. I'm the President." Fuck yeah. That is how you do it. Obama said that he is prepared to force the bill through without consensus from Republicans in the House of Representatives. I won. I'm the President. What a definitive retort. 

With another metaphorical middle finger hoisted in the air towards the Republicans, Obama said that "you can't just listen to Rush Limbaugh to get things done." What a badass! He is not afraid of a little confrontation, a little "Fuck you Rush Limbaugh" here, a little tax cut to the poor there. He acted to close Guantanamo Prison on his first day in office! Forget uniting the country. Obama has already begun to show that he is fully prepared to shun the right-wing, biblically misinformed interests of the Republicans and send the United States of America.com on the path towards actually becoming a dignified world power. 

And he smokes. What a badass. 

Compare and contrast

I recently found my digitally-rendered hands grasping two EPs from two respective bands I have often commented on. 

The first is Idiot Pilot's Heart is Long EP. I long ago proclaimed Idiot Pilot to be dead to me as a band, as their second album greatly wavers from the sound that got me interested in them in the first place (not to mention that second album Wolves just plain sucks save a couple of tracks). That being said, I still wished deep beneath my egomaniacal façade that this EP would see a return to the glitchly bleeps and boops and post-hardcore sing-scream combination that Strange We Should Meet Here was abound with. Instead, the EP is laden with downtempo mopey alt-rock. The opening track, an acoustic version of Wolves track "Last Chance," actually is the strongest on the EP and works far better as a bare-bones song in comparison to the original version. From there, the EP descends to the musical equivalent of a downer. Each track could be played on adult contemporary radio, as there is nothing threatening, novel, experimental, or scary to be found. 

The second is Femme Fatale's From The Abundance of The Heart, The Mouth Speaks EP. For those not in the "know" (get with it, square), Femme Fatale is Jesse F. Keeler's pre-DFA1979 noise rock band. The touring version actually had Sir Sebastien Grainger on drums (therefore, the band gets my seal of approval). Really though, what the fuck happened to Keeler? This EP is fantastic. It follows a frenetic pace, contains the right amount of abrasive noise to piss your parents off, and is still musically sensible (meaning, there are memorable vocal lines, good repetition, and subtle hooks).  On top of that, Keeler does all the vocals on this album, wrote all the lyrics (which are apparently deeply personal diary-entries), AND plays all the instruments. Look at Keeler now:

No matter how straight the brim is on your ballcap, no matter how expensive and limited edition your graphic t-shirt is, no matter how immaculately trimmed your moustache is, no matter how many Vestal watch advertisements you are in, no matter how many neon and strobe lights and smoke machines surround you, no matter how many arbitrary knobs you turn, DJing is not a noble musical profession and you will never really look that cool doing it. Furthermore, after hearing Keeler's fantastic vocals in Femme Fatale, I wonder why he shied away from the microphone while in DFA1979. The only vocals he supplied were on "Pull Out" and they were not particularly impressive. Regardless, Femme Fatale will always be an unsolvable puzzle, but one of those Puzz 3D ones of the Eiffel Tower that are wonderfully enjoyable to trudge through anyway. 

Idiot Pilot - Heart is Long

Femme Fatale - From The Abundance of The Heart, The Mouth Speaks

The Bombies?

The too-perfect, most likely robotic, Barack Obama is just about to officially become President of The United States of America.com by swearing on (what else but) the motherfucking bible (new testament, represent!) and rocking out to a series of free concerts by Aretha Franklin, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Beyonce (no sign of Sasha Fierce, however), Garth Brooks (no sign of Chris Gaines, however), and, of course, Bono.

Fuck Bono. U2 has not put out anything resembling a good album in far too long. Yes, he is saving all of Africa, I know. Before Bono, Africa was in a state of peril, with widespread famine, bizarre wars that I could never comprehend, disease up the wazoo, and the lingering economic effects of imperialism. Now look at it! As long as Mommy and Daddy Africa (Oprah and Bono respectively) are watching over their little skull-shaped continent, everything will be just fine. Getting back to the inauguration, I am sure that no one invited Bono, he just heard about a political event that involved music and a sweet payout (remember when he was at the Liberal party convention a few years back? What the fuck was that?) and just showed up, hilariously asking Obama to hold onto his velvet robe during his performance, thinking Obama to be a stagehand or something.

When I am elected President (of the local chapter of the Star Wars book of the month club) I will not let Bono anywhere near my inauguration festivities. In fact, I will not let any of the performers from Obama's inauguration participate (except for the Boss). Instead, I will have the ultimate inauguration performer: the half-zombie Beatles. I will use whatever resources are at my disposal to find a way to bring back John Lennon and George Harrison (who will obviously be zombies at this point) in order to reunite the fab four in time for my inauguration. If only we could do something about George constantly gnawing on Paul McCartney's leg. 

She lived her life like a dirty plastic bag in the wind

I find it to be of utmost importance to remind all my fellow Torontonians... Torontoites... Torontoans... I don't know... anyway, I find it of utmost importance to remind Toronto residents (or, inform for the first time) that regular plastic bags are now recyclable. I believe this to be a recycling fact that not enough people are aware of. I have seen a few advertisements regarding it, but not nearly enough. As well, styrofoam is now recyclable. 

About a month ago I wrote about the city's decision to implement a five cent fee for plastic bags at grocery stores. It is significant to point out that although plastic bags are now recyclable, reusing them is still a far more environmentally conscious act. Recycling costs money and still utilizes resources. Thus, reusing plastic bags will save money for the city and money for consumers.