An academic undertaking with conclusive evidence of the aforementioned

Years from now, when archaeologists, historians, professors, assholes, and other jerks begin compiling an unnecessary, overly complex catalogue of the social mores from the golden years of the Internet Age, they will go into great detail chronicling the various self-shot (primarily intended for) myspace photos that girls (and the occasional burgeoning homosexual guy) posted. I hope to be the one first of these assholes/other jerks to do so and thus collect that Nos Energy sponsorship that so many other bloggers tend to flaunt in front of the various cafes we steal internet from.

Boobarella

This type of photograph is taken by a savvy trickster, who knows what the male-dominated internetsphere wants.... the breasts of a 15 year-old girl to look like those of an 18 year-old girl. This is accomplished by holding the camera high above, wearing a low-cut shirt with horizontal, thick stripes, and placing one's upper arms as close together as possible, while still managing to look somewhat natural, if not a little mangled, awkward, and mildly retarded. It is only with a well-executed Boobarella photo that one can entice the type of internet predator that will ask to meet at a Starbucks, rather than an all-you-can-eat pancake house.

Coin Purse

Scientific-types have proven that men are more attracted to women who look like they are pouting. The male sex is self-destructive and wishes to uphold this inclination through its relations with womenfolk. Thus, if a woman constantly looks like she is pouting, the man knows he has failed in some way and must make amends while constantly feeling like shit about himself. Sylvia Plath wrote extensively about this, probably for GQ. That being said, the Coin Purse photograph is accomplished by once again holding the camera above one's head, though not as high as in a Boobarella. The model then purses her lips into a pout and slightly elevates her eyebrows. It creates the illusion of innocence and constant disappointment, though I find in most cases only the former to be an illusion.

Sidecar

Perhaps the most devious yet simultaneously simple of the angles, this shot cannot even be fathomed by those with a mountainous nasal region or those unfortunate enough to have a condition I shall refer to as phantom-chin. After years of research and military testing, science-types conclusively found that individuals who are fortunate enough to be free of the aforementioned afflictions appear even more alluring when pictured from a slight side angle. Teenage girls who use myspace, known for their near-religious following of scientific academic journals, utilized the scientific method and thus turned their heads sideways slightly while still focusing their eyes directly in the lens. It is important in a well-executed Sidecar to still look directly towards the basement-dwelling, sweatpants-wearing, profile-claiming "software engineer," WOW level 84 accomplishing, all around nice and trustworthy young man who will be perusing your pics.

Good night and God bless and stuff.

Illuminated from behind, your face is but a shadow
You look like you could be anyone soaked in grief
I wish you were anything, anything to me

Soft lights, incandescent bulbs
Shades upon your victimless tyranny
Your body's a battlefield you've learned too well
I'm just eager to please

Why I give up #27

Stand up for podium

For all those dutiful citizens researching party platforms and where their local MPs stand on fighter jets, I have the following suggestion: give up immediately. This election is all but over. Look at the podium Stephen Harper has. It says Canada on it. CANADA. Not "Let's stand up for Canada" or "Conservatives <3 Canada." Just "CANADA" plain and simple.

Harper does not have the mustachioed sex appeal of Jack Layton, nor does he have the gold-toothed scholarly elitism of Michael Ignatieff, nor does he have the teacher-slapping roguery of Gilles Duceppe (look it up, I kid you not), nor does he have the...the....the....crafty necklaces of Elizabeth May. All that being said, Harper and his Conservative advisors know one thing for certain: Canada is a nation that respects podiums. If a podium is truly representative of our unique national identity, we will band together and support that podium and ultimately, whoever stands behind it. PODIUM for PM 2011!!!!

The real 5th Beatle

Allow the following video to act as a relic from a time that was much simpler. A time in which music videos still carried relevant messages; moral critiques of social order, rebellious battlecries for social upheaval, and subtle placements of Pepsi cans and ECKO hoodies. Yes, this was before the Obama presidency—a time when interracial relationships were still obstinate and kinky, a time when a strong economy allowed for pitifully low, untaxed cash wages for babysitters and migrant workers.

God save us all.

Made You Look #1

Sometimes I think that Alicia Keys is the black Natalie Portman.

Then I remember that I don't care.

Ready, Set, Mascot!

Fear not, fellow freedom-lovers and defenders of liberty, consumerism, Twilight, and everything else that is associated with the Western World, these two spacesuit-clad cycloptic tooth things are not purveyors of galactic terrorism or promoters of tooth/eye care. They are Wenlock and Mandeville, the official mascots of the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. And they're gosh-darn adorable. And not phallic at all.

Stop tempting me, you cruel wench

Fan Mail #1

This piece of admiration-fueled fanmail comes from Jen C. of White Plains, NY.

Hey This Guy, you seem to always have your ears set slightly ahead of the curve, to next-level trendy music. What have you been listening to lately?

Thanks for your interest, Jen C. I'm always happy to connect with my throngs of loyal readers, especially the female ones who send me full-body shots.

Dads - Hat Creek 7"

Chapel Club - Wintering EP

Tijuana Panthers - Max Baker

Liars - Sisterworld

God Bless America, Amiright yall?

Fucking hipster

Fucking hipster