Because now I'm some asshole with a goatee.Goats are pleasant (well, fairly pleasant...that sound they make can probably become quite irritating) and useful animals. They provide us with an alternate source of milk which can then be sold at inflated prices at stores like Whole Foods. Essentially, goats enable us to maintain an upper echelon of society––one that fuels itself on organic goat's milk feta cheese and remains relatively warm while strolling down Cumberland in cashmere and angora sweaters. Also, goats generally look pretty fucking cool––check out those horns!
Unfortunately, the good name of goats has been slandered by a form of facial hair that separates the date-rapists from the midnight gropers. A midnight groper generally only sports a soul patch or a mustache, whereas the full-on date-rapist has a regularly trimmed tuft of chin hair that is connected to a mustache, otherwise known as a goatee.
There is no reason for one to grow a goatee other than to tell the world, "Hey, I'm a fucking asshole!" Here is a list of the type(s) of fellows who generally have goatees:
- Sportscasters
- Maddox
- "Pro" Wrestlers
- High School Computer Teachers
- 40-something artists who also have a dangling earring and a failed career/life and have just adopted the goatee recently to look "edgier"
My brother and I were pondering the other day as to why Robert Smith of The Cure reminds us of Tim Burton films. Well, it's pretty fucking obvious, I'm not entirely certain what there was to ponder. In our defense, this was after at least two wine coolers, so we were not at the top of our game. Oh, Strawberry-Kiwi, you will be the death of me! Robert Smith has the unruly Edward Scissorhands hair, the gothic persona, and dresses similarly to Tim Burton himself (shapeless black button-down shirts). In fact, Robert Smith and Tim Burton actually look nearly identical with the exception of one key attribute: Tim Burton has a goatee. At this point I find myself in a quandary: I enjoy Tim Burton's work, but he has a goatee, so am I to conclude that he is an asshole? One of the most visually inventive directors and the man who actually made Michael Keaton seem cool for the duration of two Batman movies AND Beetlejuice––an asshole?
In Burton's defense, he may have made the painful decision to sport a goatee in order to look like an asshole and thus appeal to a wider audience (I call this the "Steve Merchant Approach"). Also, he may have donned the goatee in order to cloak himself as an asshole and avoid the ridicule and "art fag" beatings he probably has received throughout much of his life. For this, I suppose I can forgive him. He still looks like an asshole though.
