Thankfully, we'll never need another all-American hero thanks to John Kerry. No one will ever be able to fill his shoes (nutmeg brown loafers). First he took the White House, then he saved the United States from certain economic and social peril by ending the war in Iraq simply by using his "mind powers," which involved a lot of furrowing of the brow with a dash of crinkling for good measure. What an upstanding, kick-ass dude. I want to buy him a beer. Something domestic of course. If there's one thing John Kerry stands for, it's supporting local boys. That's why I would buy him a sixer of Pabst Blue Ribbon, or some equal shitty brand of Yankee piss (when GQ profiled Kerry upon his nomination as the Democratic candidate in 2004, the interviewer met him in some backroads "all-American" bar and the K-man ordered a Guinness). Now that the world is free of evil and peaceful democracy has found its way to the Middle East (along with rockin' guitar solos and skinny jeans and hemp soap and veganism and longboards and bodywash and rubber and God and hybrid cars and cheese steak sandwiches and humility and camera-phones and stirrup leggings) John Kerry can breathe a little easier, sit down on the White House back lawn while sipping the sixer I bought him. Awesome.
